22365024 a Guy s Guide to Building Social Value

IMPROV INTERACTIONS A GUY'S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

This book is copyright 2009 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy, distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or in part, or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative works of this book, unless you have consent from the author. Front Cover Illustration: Copyright © 2009 By ‘Giraffarte’ In association with www.dreamstime.com Copyright © 2009 www.modernmanliving.com Brendan Adams All rights reserved.

People are your main source to everything. The next person you meet could add something valuable to your life. Don’t miss the opportunity just because you lack confidence to interact. - Brendan Adams

CONTENTS Introduction How This Book Works

i xiii

PART ONE: DEVELOPING A SOCIAL ATTITUDE 1. Blocks In Conversation 2. Social Attitude And Mindset

1 15

3. The Improv Approach

51

PART TWO: INSIDE INTERACTIONS 4. Building A Lifestyle 5. Making An Impression 6. Sources For Conversation 7. Starting Interactions 8. Authentic Listening 9. Making It Interactive 10. Storytelling 11. Making It Flow

68 82 92 100 138 150 162 178

PART THREE: BEYOND INTERACTIONS 12. Frame Control 13. Presence 14. Group Dynamics 15. Sparking Attraction 16. All Together

202 220 234 244 294

Conclusion

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

INTRODUCTION The goal of this book is to help you increase your social value through conversation, interaction, and social skills. „Social Value‟ is defined as the ability to be observed as a man who exudes an abundance of worth by his presence and the way others react to him. You don‟t need to be a celebrity or a big CEO to be perceived as having value. Value comes from the way in which people react to you and know of you. You can gain this in your everyday life when you know how to be extremely comfortable and confident socially. What you need is the ability to interact with anybody you meet. If you have ever been in situations where you have been too quiet; too shy; repeating yourself; lost on what to say and talk about; feeling blank etc…then this is for you. This book will guide you in overcoming the mental blocks and other blocks which can happen in social situations. I was once in a position where I struggled severely from social anxiety. While I was in search for answers and how to get over it, I came across a lot of other people with similar problems, and also struggling with the actual process of conversation. I began to notice that their struggle was down to their inner challenges which blocked their progress, which resulted in them feeling more anxious in social situations. So I wanted to create a book to combine those two areas: overcoming social/approach anxiety, and also devising an improvised structure to interactions. Put it this way. Think about how a typical conversation goes.

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Person A: Hiya Person B: Oh Hello, How are you? Person A: I’m fine, How bout you? Person B: Aw I’m good too thanks Person A: What you been up to? Person B: Oh not much, you? Person A: Yes the same. Busy as always haha Person B: haha, yeh Person A: … Person B: … Person A: Well I best get going so I’ll see you later. It was nice to see you again. Person B: It was great seeing you as well. We’ll catch up sometime. Person A: Definitely!

Sound familiar? The trouble with this interaction is that there is no possible advancement. They both cut each other off by remaining resistant and closed. A lot of interactions tend to go like this. Chances are they probably won‟t “catch up” sometime soon because they haven‟t invested in each other. So it‟s another empty conversation. It‟s a recurring pattern for people who tend to cut interactions short. They do this because their mind goes blank and they can‟t think of anything else to say, so how can they possibly get to know each other to become more? CONVERSATION PLUS ATTRACTION I‟ve always had a curiosity about interactions between men and women. It appeared to me that, yes, even though it is quite easy to talk to a girl on a friendly level with chit-chat, you have to have something else going on to spark the infamous CHEMISTRY. And you can also notice the mundane conversation patterns during interactions with a girl…

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

Guy: What’s that book you are reading? Girl: Danielle Steel Guy: Oh I’ve never read her books. Are they good? Girl: Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t be reading it. Guy: Good point. I’ve just finished reading Tom Clancy’s new book. Girl: I’ve never heard of him. Guy: A-ha (Dying a slow and painful death) Girl: … Guy: … Girl: ………….. Guy: Well, I best be off. Enjoy your book.

Good beginning. Jittery middle. Predictable ending. This interaction had the potential to have another girl as part of his social circle – but he “blew it”. It‟s so easy to be dumbstruck and not know how to continue an interaction with anybody. We hit dead ends and we feel the anxiety building up. Or maybe our lives ARE actually boring and we have done absolutely nothing for us to talk about or connect on. So where do you go from there? WHAT IS ‘IMPROV INTERACTIONS’? Improv = Improvisation. Yes, it is that on-the-spot spontaneity you see in theatre and performance. Actors often talk about it and it‟s most common in music such as jazz. It is a skill where you create in the moment with all that you have available to you. The question is: What can you create in terms of social interactions? It requires you have no script and no preparation. Sounds impossible, but if you have ever researched improvisation- you know it has a structure and helpful exercises to improve your skill to improvise. The biggest secret is that…

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Experience creates social intuition

HOW DOES IT APPLY TO INTERACTIONS? In this book, I am going to provide you with a social structure you can improvise with. You won‟t be bogged down to the routine manner we all go through in conversation. We can learn to divert and spark up new ways to continue a conversation and have an interaction which can lead somewhere. All of us are improvising every single day. As much as we try to live in our safe little bubbles and plan out our days, knowing everything we are doing in advance- we still have to improvise and figure things out as we go. With interactions you have no script, just as in life. You have to create your dialogue on the spot and learn to create and react right then and there. With that being the case, most beginning interactions with people tend to remain on the safe side. We stay confined to small talk and fluff because that‟s how social conditioning has trained us. You can learn improvisation as a skill to surpass those boundaries. It is a way of giving you more options. It‟s more than a skill though, it‟s a mindset. It‟s an overall attitude to how you approach life and people. Apply it to your social life, and you find yourself creating more opportunities and connections with others around you. COMBINING ‘IMPROV INTERACTIONS’ & ATTRACTION Creating attraction tends to be the main goal between a man and a woman when they interact. Unfortunately, that doesn‟t seem to happen with safe and respectful conversations.

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A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE Making a woman feel something more for you requires you being in control. But it‟s hard to be in control if you‟re a stumbling mess and worried about “saying the wrong thing”. You take control when you can handle whatever is thrown at you and you take the reigns. I naively assumed I needed methods to spark attraction, when in fact all I needed was a general understanding to work with. The only reason I became consumed with it all is because of the control and predictability it had. But the predictability soon wears off. You begin to feel a fraud. If you‟re doing the „pick up‟ thing, I‟m not suggesting pass it off. This is about taking a step back and building a gym mat. It‟s a place where you can fall flat on your ass and still keep on going. I took a step back and decided that the answer was to BUILD A FOUNDATION OF SOCIAL SKILLS which you can apply with everybody and anybody. It not only increases your social value, but the confidence it gives you allows you to be naturally attractive. Social Value is a big key to sparking attraction

BUILDING A SOCIAL FOUNDATION Let‟s face it, most of us live not so extravagant lifestyles. We will not all be the typical man-of-value stereotypes that will capture a woman into our webs of seduction. The ultimate test is being able to make the mundane boring stuff BE fun

Because what are you left with when you take away the „Pick Up‟ methods? v|INTRODUCTION

IMPROV INTERACTIONS

Pure and simple, you are left with conversation- an expression of self. It is at the foundation of any interaction. I noticed it‟s this foundation which a lot of guys tend to be stuck on. They become too linear and fixated on their approach and the content of what they say. With that, they miss the natural attraction sparks that are happening right in front of them. You can tell when you lack a foundation because you say statements along the lines of: - I ran out of things to say - What should I have said next? - It went really quiet and I was losing her. Should I have done another palm read? - I had to leave because my mind went blank. How long would you last if you ACTUALLY had her? You can only repeat your „attraction material‟ a few times and get away with it. The other advantage is that „Improv Interactions‟ applies to EVERYBODY you interact with. Once you have the confidence and comfort in your ability to flow with a conversation, then it gives you a feeling of knowing you can handle ANY social situation. Then the interactions start to become FUN rather than full of anxiety. It will no longer be a case of, “What will I say when we run this topic into the ground? I‟ll be lost. There she goes, she‟s finishing her sentence. Her lips are now…about…to stop moving. What did she just say? I missed it! Too nervous…Should I talk about my pet fish again?” THE IMPORTANCE OF SOCIAL INTERACTION Real conversations are scarce, so our interactions with people are limited. It seems that most people‟s methods are to wait for the silence so they know that it‟s their turn to speak. And in that time, I vi | I N T R O D U C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE believe the person is either thinking, “What should I say next?” or “Where is the exit?” The interaction itself is never the real focus. It‟s especially obvious when you are interacting with somebody for the first time. Strangers can be so unpredictable. Whenever two or more people are hovering around together, there has to be some form of interaction. On the flip side, there are an abundance of people walking past us in this world every day. Multiple opportunities to connect and have some company are all around and yet most people can still feel lonely! I know…bizarre. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN Interaction means “to interact”, which means it takes two to tango. “Being social” for short. Conversation is the tool that allows us to interact with one another. After the initial eye contact and proximity, you HAVE to say something. And conversation is easy. They say a sentence, you say a sentence- it‟s a done deal. However, that‟s the SIMPLEST form of conversation. It doesn‟t appear to be interactive like conversations should be. It‟s passive and fleeting where neither seem to be interested in taking the time to get to know the other. But conversation is much more than being all about the words you say. Put it this way- If you are a quiet person and unresponsive, then no doubt you will be tarred with the personality traits of “shy” or “ignorant”. Both of which I don‟t think we all like to be known as. Most of us can‟t seem to help that. You don‟t want to be quiet on purpose. It‟s only because conversation is uncomfortable for you. But the other person doesn‟t know that, so without you even saying a word you‟ve been judged in a seemingly negative way.

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IMPROV INTERACTIONS This isn‟t about overcoming the judgments you get. You can be judged even for the way you walk in most cases. I‟m simply pointing out that your interactions have a greater impact than discussing daily news topics or what the other person has been up to. Every social interaction projects your personality and attitude. Even if you are quiet- you are projecting shyness and insecurity

Conversation is expression, and you deserve to be able to express yourself fully without fear or anxiety. CREATING A CONNECTION Try having a long-term friendship or relationship without saying a word. I know married couples seem to hit that point anyway after 20 years with each other, but give it a go. Anybody can make small talk and fluff their way through. A quick hello, a nice how are you, what you been up to- it‟s friendly, non-intrusive, simple. But it doesn‟t create anything concrete to build up a social circle or relationship. To make a connection requires more than that. Obviously you don‟t want to create a connection with everybody you meet. You‟re not trying to be a walking Facebook here. By connection I mean interacting on a personal and expressive level. It is those relationships that form your social circle and create a socially abundant lifestyle. It could be with anybody where you have to show your face on a regular basis, or maybe even in the new places you have decided to venture into on a whim. This does not mean to go out and talk to every Tom, Dick and Harry. However, there will be people you would like to interact with- but often we lack the feeling of social confidence to go up and initiate. viii | I N T R O D U C T I O N

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

IT HAS TO START SOMEWHERE In reality, everybody you know now was once a stranger to you. After a while it probably feels second nature to request meeting up or asking for a favour with a friend. You know, doing the things you can never do without a level of comfort. Now, I understand conversation sounds easy. Conversation just seemingly flows when you are with a friend or somebody you are close and comfortable with- so why continue reading? Because… By having strong, confident social skills and the ability to improvise with anybody gives you VALUE

Social anxiety and fear tends to prevail for those of us who find it hard to socialise. Even if you are already a social person, taking on improvisation is an outlook for your lifestyle. You become the “why not?” guy. You can open up and connect to somebody within minutes because of your attitude and confidence to be expressive. You decide to be aloof and a bit “out there” with playfulness so others feel comfortable doing the same. In fact, you become the leader of an interaction. In the beginning it is a battle for sussing out the other person and trying not to tread on any toes. The majority of our new friends happen by being in a social setting like college or being introduced. But there are multiple strangers and interesting people out there. Why pass up the opportunity just because we lack confidence and social skills?

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Without people, you gain nothing. No friends- No social life. No girlfriend- No intimacy and future family potential. No networking- No job or business opportunities. No customers- No sales. No audience- No performance. No teachers- No learning.

THE FEAR OF INITIATING People are your source to all that is valuable in your life. For many of us, the idea of talking to new people is a scary concept- we don‟t even bother to do it. When you walk down the street it is very rare that you will be reciprocated with eye contact. We are all in a world of our own. When we are in a waiting room, we bury our heads in magazines. When we are on a bus, we check our mobile phones. When we are at a bar, we wait till we have consumed enough alcohol to forget our own name. To be social you have to learn how to develop a certain mindset where you find it fun to interact, even with complete strangers. You have to build a level of confidence where you can handle the SOCIAL PRESSURE. The majority of interactions are passive, so the ideas and techniques provided here are to help you get passed those blocks YOU put up, and also what other people put up- then you can be more than just a quick Hello. So here it is, a “how to” guide on:  Expanding your social circle and increasing your value.  Being comfortable in any social situation.  Being able to make conversations personal.  Bringing the best out of people by giving them permission to let go. x|INTRODUCTION

A GUY‟S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE   

Having fun, creative and playful interactions. Letting others let you into their worlds while you do the same. Being naturally attractive.

Enjoy.

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HOW THIS BOOK WORKS My intention is to help those who are struggling with socialising with others- Whether it is because of anxiety, or fear of new people, or stepping back because they have no confidence in their social ability. I have read many books in my time. Well, I had to because I hid in my own little world and that is all I had. I would read a book, think “Brilliant. I have the knowledge…NEXT!”, but I never applied anything. I felt like Short Circuit, whizzing through books searching for more input. I wanted too much reassurance before I applied anything. I don’t want that to be the same case for you. Many books I read went into the hundreds of pages region. I would think the bigger the book, then the more credibility it had. It took me days, sometimes weeks, to finally get around and finish reading a book. I’d go away from it for a few months, forget what it told me, and then go back to it all over again. It was a vicious cycle. If you summarize these books down into notes, you’ll find they only have a few key points that are worth remembering. The rest of it is just padded with fluff in hope for some eureka moment. This is an INFORMATION and SELF-IMPROVEMENT book, and because of that- I want to keep the details strictly to the bare essentials. I want you to get the information that you need so that you can APPLY it.

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After all, the core of this book is to give you a universal attitude of an improviser, topped with understanding interactions, and a dash of being confident socially and with interacting with people. DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR… TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. You will no doubt have all the information you need to get out there and interact with real people – so go and apply what you know. Don’t waste your time searching for more material or the perfect solution. Speed of application is a mindset for everybody successful in this world. I do not profess to be a brilliant writer. My only concern is that you get the knowledge you need to be effective with your interactions and social skills. The way this book works is first of all giving you THEORY of a structure on how social interactions work so you can improvise with the options. It is not filled with specific lines or routines. The structure is there so you can improvise around it. No social situation will be the same for you- hence why it is better to learn improvising and thinking on your feet. After that it is up to you to make being social and improvising in your life a habit. Take this information and then go out there, accept what you are given- and dive in to make it up as you go along. There will never be a perfect situation- only situations with the potential for you to mould. Come back to this book later if you wish. But I hope that once you read it, you already have an “I’ll give it a go. Why not?” attitude anyway.

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PART ONE DEVELOPING A SOCIAL ATTITUDE

Learning to overcome anxiety and mental blocks in social situations.

A GUYS GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

CHAPTER 1 BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION Conversations are sometimes difficult to keep going. They hit pauses, awkward silences, and you don’t really know what else to say. Interactions are a two-way process. For them to become twoway there has to be a level of reciprocation, which means that both people have to contribute and create openings for the other person to jump in. Within your social circle you don‟t have to be conscious about conversation. It all comes naturally. You can bounce around with any topic and feel free to ramble on about anything that comes up. You could have one word answers, cut it- and then go on to something else. You‟re not concerned about whether you are in to dance music and they‟re in to classical, you still feel free to talk about your tastes anyway without thinking “I‟m boring the tits off of them here”. You are free to speak without judgement. And it probably took a while for you to get there to that level of comfort. You had to have a few shared experiences and “Wow, Me too” moments. When they took that leap of faith and opened up about something personal- you reciprocated with your own little anecdote, and you felt good by building that trust. With new people it‟s a whole new ball game. You don‟t know about each other. The only thing you can really go on is your first impressions and the environment. 1|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

IMPROV INTERACTIONS If you approach somebody new, chances are you will both be cautious in what you talk about. You also have no shared experiences to riff off, giving the old “Remember that time when…” intro. You are starting from scratch, so there comes more ways for interactions to hit a dead end and uncomfortable pauses. It‟s to be expected.

YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE Okay, in truth, you don‟t only get the ONE chance with a person, but it helps for illustration purposes. Let‟s say you approach somebody, a pretty girl for example. You walk up to her, give your introduction that you spent 30 minutes trying to get right. And all you get in return is… Girl: Oh, hehe. Okay.

Where do you go from there? It‟s impossible for you to say, “Wait! Let me try this again. Just wait here. You carry on doing what you were doing…” You think you‟ve been rejected. Was it your breath? The way you stood? Maybe you should have gone for the cocky grin instead of the full teeth smile. Either way, it‟s a difficult block. She hasn‟t given anything back to interact with you in return. So you walk away believing another opportunity has been lost. Back in Fred Flintstone days, you would of only had about 3-4 more girls to try it on with before you ran out of fresh meat.

2|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

A GUYS GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE It‟s a common scenario, and it doesn‟t end there. How about if you actually got the girl to meet up with you another time? Now instead of 10 minutes, you have 3 – 4 hours of possible dead ends and silences. That‟s usually the part where panic mode hits. You feel you have to find something you can both hit it off on and impress each other, then something else…then another…then another. If that ends up being the case, then it‟s usually down to bad social habits. Interactions should be free-flowing, but we are not shown how to be social in schools and through education. We are left to our own devices and try picking it up as we go along by copying those around us. So these bad habits tend to occur and they‟re often not your fault. Perhaps you have been conditioned to be shy, or told “Be polite and always listen”. OVERRIDING THE BELIEF THAT IT IS REJECTION

When you experience these blocks- you will often feel like you are being rejected.

Many thoughts will run through your head as to why the other person isn‟t getting involved as much as you would have liked. Often self-consciousness hits and we think we‟re being boring and you‟re not hitting it off. Then anxiety comes into it and you both back away due to it feeling uncomfortable. We love interacting with people when all the fears and anxieties are brushed aside. Unfortunately, we all exhibit common behaviours, or BLOCKS, when we first interact with people. Social politeness tends to play a big part, but overall we tend to restrict ourselves from giving too much away. We become uncomfortable and don‟t want to say or do the wrong things. 3|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

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No doubt you have done it in the past to people- you‟ve gone quiet or you have thrown questions at them to divert attention from yourself. But you didn‟t mean to reject the person, did you? Of course you didn‟t, although it probably appeared that way. Once you become conscious of these blocks, you begin to realise that we are all guilty of doing it- and it‟s not really rejection at all. It is social safety and our discomfort in social situations that make us want to press the abort button. Being aware of these blocks gives you a more respectful and understanding approach. You can brush off awkward silences with a knowing smile. THE BLOCKS Like I said, you‟ve probably already blocked people in similar ways but without even realising it. It‟s usually an unconscious process, which is why it‟s so easy to misread the signals. I‟ll go through how to avoid blocks later. Right now it is important to just be aware of them. Notice whether you have ever experienced these blocks or done them unconsciously with others.

1) YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN WORLD- BEING CAUGHT IN THE HEADLIGHTS We‟ve all had it happen to us. We‟ve been walking along minding our own business, eyes fixed on the pavement and getting to where we have to be. Then it happens… The voice from afar: Excuse me. I’d just like to borrow you for a second…

4|BLOCKS IN CONVERSATION

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Thank you, Brendan Adams