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Harley M Storey A.C.E (NZSC), M.I.C.F
Dear Subscriber Here are a selection of coaching tools from 101 Tools Life Coaches Use®. I hope you will find them interesting, challenging and fun to use yourself or with your clients! Please don’t assume that the short tools are insignificant, they are just as useful as the more extensive tools. To make them easy to understand and use, each tool opens with a brief introduction and explanation in blue italics. The Table of Contents below contains active links so you can go straight to the tool by clicking its name! If you have any feedback, comments or suggestions, I'd love to hear them, please email me at
[email protected] Kind regards
Harley M Storey The Life Coach Toolman! A.C.E (NZSC), M.I.C.F
Paradigms Life Coaching (1999) Limited
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Table Of Contents Videos ................................................................................................................. 4 How To Resolve Your Problems! 4 What Michael Phelps Does That You Don’t! Is Your Glass Half Empty Or Half Full? 4
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General Coaching Tools ................................................................................ 5 Your Super Self! 6 The Life Wheel 7 Flush Out Those False Beliefs! 9 Life Roles Wheel 10 Stop Your Spending! 11 Problems And Potential Life Is Garbage & Life Is Great ! 13 Conflict Tool 14 Reveal Your Hearts Wisdom 15 The Porcupine Problem Solver! 16 Decisions Tool 17 Do A Stress Inventory 18 The Heart Language Tool 20 The Five Stages Of The Grief Process Feel The Feeling Tool 23 Am I A Failure Checklist? 24 Infinite Solutions Tool 25
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Relationship Tools........................................................................................ 26 My Dream Partner 27 Reflective Listening 28 Relationship Cycles 29 Score Your Dream Partner! 31 Relationship Circle 33 How Well Do You Know Your Partner Quiz? When You … I Feel … 35 A Quick Lesson In Speaking Martian! 36
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Videos As you know I am known as the “Life Coach Toolman” – if you'd like to check out some You Tube videos just click the link or video below.
How To Solve All Your Problems
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_EsvoUxLW8
What Michael Phelps Does That You Don’t
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ou6tgfhEptY
Is Your Glass Half Empty or Half Full?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c64mIGGhhOc
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General Coaching Tools
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Your Super Self! This is a simple tool I start almost every client with, and helps build confidence and self-esteem going forward, because a wonderful way to increase self-confidence is to write about your achievements. This gives people some tangible evidence of their accomplishments and something to refer to when they experience moments of insecurity during the coaching process and in future life. I have seen this little tool change lives all by itself! One client, who was feeling rather unmotivated, wrote this out and posted it by his bed so he could read his unique qualities and achievements first thing in the morning whilst he was still lying in bed. He said it gave him a boost first thing in the day! Here’s how to do your very own Super Self tool: On a blank sheet of paper o
list at least twelve things that make you special
o
list at least twenty personal achievements and successes – even if it's learning to tie your own shoes!
o
list at least twenty things that you are good at or can do well – maybe including cleaning your teeth!
o
list ten exceptional qualities or unique things about you
o
write down at least one particularly attractive physical feature - even a cute pinkie toe or particularly shapely ear lobe! Try reading this to yourself out loud every morning for a week !
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The Life Wheel This is the first tool I do with a client and helps you get a snapshot of “where you're at”
• • •
Get a blank sheet of paper
•
Label each piece - as Health, Self-space, Personal Development, etc.
Draw a large circle Divide the circle into eight segments – like a pizza – where each piece represents an area of your life as it is now.
This Life Wheel is labeled with eight areas of life.
You can use these labels or, if there is a specific area of your life you would like to examine just substitute a category. The general categories are: • • • • • • • •
Fun - Happiness, Hobbies Relationship - current or future Life Partner Career - Job satisfaction, Career path Family - Children, Parents, Relatives Social - Friends, Sport, Activities Health - Exercise, Diet Financial - Savings, Investments Creative - Self-space, Spiritual, Sport, Artistic ... / continued on following page
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1.
Assign a number from 1 to 10 next to each category. Write 1 if you are unsatisfied in this area and up to 10 if you are totally satisfied.
2.
Look at your scores. What are the 2 lowest scores? What are the 2 areas you would most like to move forward?
3.
Moving forward … How would you feel if you could significantly move forward in these 2 areas? 1. 2.
4.
Action What actions can you take to start moving forward in these areas? 1. 2.
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Flush Out Those False Beliefs! Before you can transform negative thoughts and feelings, you need to become aware of them, so here’s a list of beliefs that may need updating!
Step 1 •
When under pressure I ……………………….……………………….
•
I often feel guilty about ……………………………………………………….
•
When ………………………. happens I stress out and feel like ……………………….
•
My Achilles’ heel (greatest weakness) is ……………………….
•
I am always trying to stop ……………………..…………. from happening.
•
When the unexpected happens I ………………………………………………………..
•
I always try to ………………………………………………………..
•
The biggest obstacle that stops me loving and approving of myself is ……………….
•
What drives most of my behavior is …………………………………………….
•
I am afraid of ………………………………………………………..
•
I seek my ……………’s approval (always / mostly / usually / occasionally)
•
My most frequent negative / uncomfortable emotion is feeling ………………….
•
The feeling I dislike the most is ……………………….
•
I need to learn to ……………………………………………………….. Congratulations – that took courage!
Step 2 Now you have identified your false beliefs, go back and re-do the exercise writing how you would like to be. For example: When under pressure I … panic to When under pressure I … think about the situation calmly and ask for support.
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Life Roles Wheel Feeling overwhelmed? Feeling stretched by your life roles? Do you feel the need to redefine or declare your boundaries? This tool helps you to clarify your life roles and help establish boundaries and understand your limitations.
ME
Partner
Mother
Designer
Life Roles Exercise:
•
Get a blank sheet of paper
•
Head it “The Roles of my Life.” and apportion the roles in your life – Mother, Partner, Employee, Sister, Daughter, etc.
• •
Draw a large circle
•
When you have settled on the relative sizes that each piece should be, Label them, you may wish to color them also.
•
• •
Divide the circle into segments – like a cake – where each area represents a role in your life. The bigger the piece the more important it is.
What you have come up with. Any surprises? Did you allow for any space for You?
Try drawing another Roles Wheel the way you would like things to be. Are there any differences with your first roles wheel and the second one showing how you would like things to be?
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Stop Your Spending! A great tool to help you think twice and put the brakes on your spending!
The next time you feel like making an impulse purchase, consider if you had done this: •
Put your credit card in a bowl of water
•
Placed it in the freezer
•
And when you were tempted to buy something – you could purchase it but you would have to wait until your card thaws out.
If you had to think for a few hours before buying, would you still make the purchase? Is it a “want” or a “need?” (With modern credit cards having chips and electronic strips we do not recommend freezing them – so think of this tool as a fun “mental exercise” to help you think twice before adding yet more debt to your cards.)
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Problems and Potential You may have heard the saying that every problem is an opportunity – but now about turning problems into potential? Change brings loss and loss brings grief. But loss can also represent freedom, and change, like the tender fronds of a fresh green shoot, represent the start of something new ...
Exercise:
• •
I have lost, what have I gained?
• • •
What is something good about this situation, no matter how small or insignificant?
If every problem possesses the seeds of its own solution, where is the opportunity in my problem, and what are some possible solutions? Does this situation have a positive aspect? Can I open myself up to my feelings a little more?
•
What is something I can do to help me get in touch with my feelings?
• •
Who can I turn to for support?
• •
Am I flowing with the situation, or fighting and resisting?
What can I take from experiencing this? What can I learn? How can I grow? How can I create faith for the future and strength to go on?
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Life is Garbage & Life is Great! “The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.” Eric Hoffer What's “Wrong?” It is often very easy to answer the question “what’s wrong” in our life. But what's “Not Wrong?” However, it is a wonderful thing to have a non-headache or a non-toothache, but so often we do not think of the joy of not having these problems until we experience them and then wish them away. What's “Right?” Similarly, it is wonderful to be able to take a breath when we want to, to drink a glass of water, to eat whenever we like, or have the blessing of good eyesight. If we were without these things we would be thinking about acquiring them, but when we have them, it is so easy to take our blessings for granted. This exercise can help us redress the balance of what's really right and wrong in our life …
Exercise: •
Get two blank sheets of paper.
•
On one piece of paper, list all of the things that are “wrong” in your life – don’t be afraid to be negative – get it all out!
•
On the other, write a list of all the positive things in your life right now, including everything that’s “not wrong.”
•
When you have finished, place the two pieces of paper side by side and ask yourself … •
“What is of the greatest use to me and what serves me most? •
Focusing on what's ‘Wrong’ or what ‘Not Wrong’?”
•
When you have decided which list is best for you to dwell on, discard the list you do not wish to focus on - throw it away, maybe even bury or burn it, if you wish to make this a memorable event.
•
Try reading the remaining list every morning for a week and see what happens!
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Conflict Tool A handy tool if you are having issues with someone …
Exercise: Write down what they are doing that causes the problem •
then write how you contribute to the problem
•
ask yourself, • • • •
“What can I do to stop things escalating?” “What is my responsibility here?” “What steps can I take to help resolve this problem or restore this relationship?” Write down one of their positive qualities and focus on that.
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Reveal Your Hearts Wisdom This tool helps you move on from anything significant and gain insight into where you are ‘at’ emotionally.
Tool: •
Set aside some quiet time to write a letter that no one will read, but will help you to reveal your hearts messages and wisdom. •
Write at the top of the page the question you want an answer to, such as “How do really I feel about Sam?” or “How do I feel about my job”
•
Write down all the things you wish you could say, what you wished you could've said, etc – basically getting it all out.
•
Include all the memories – positive and negative – you can remember.
•
Try not to analyze what you are writing – just let it flow from the heart. Write without judgment – just put down whatever comes to your mind – we will analyze it later.
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When you have finished, leave it for a few hours before reading it, or better still sleep on it.
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As you read over what you have written, highlight or underline anything that strikes you as interesting, unusual or significant.
•
These are the messages and the wisdom your heart is bringing through to you. Think about what these messages are, and what wisdom your heart is revealing to you.
•
When the time is right, ask yourself what you would like to do with the letter? Put it in a keepsafe box, place in a bottle and let it go in the ocean, burn it, bury it or even send it.
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The Porcupine Problem Solver! This tool helps you creatively brainstorm your problems - with a porcupine for inspiration!
Tool: • • •
Draw a circle on a blank piece of paper Put a little porcupine face on it! Draw lots of porcupine spikes around the body of the porcupine o o o
Write your Problem in the middle of the porcupine Write and label the spikes with possible Responses, Actions & Solutions Finally add any New Thoughts about the problem to spare spikes
Remember … when brainstorming there is no such thing as a bad idea! The example below is for someone who is having problems finding Me-Time for herself
ask for help take lunch do nothing organize better hire home help
just do it! start work earlier? quit job! work nearer home. or from home? talk to Bob about helping out more have a girls nite!!!
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Decisions Tool Have trouble making decisions? Do you make a decision … and then change your mind? Are you always “second-guessing” yourself? Do you feel like the stakes are much higher than they actually are? Feel like you are a failure at making decisions - try this Decisions Tool!
Tool: •
Make a list of decisions you have made and stuck to. • •
How did they work out? What happened?
•
Calculate approximately how many decisions you make every day.
•
Is there such a thing as a “wrong” decision? • • • •
•
Are decisions neither “good” nor “bad”, but just decisions you make at the time with the knowledge and awareness you had? If there is such a thing as a “wrong” decision, what happens if you make one? Do you learn? Does beating yourself up help in any way? Try saying “next time I will…” rather than “if only I had…”
Is making a decision really such a big deal?
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Do A Stress Inventory If you are feeling a bit low but can’t put your finger on why, a stress inventory is a great way to get an idea of what you have on your “emotional plate.” • • •
Feeling a bit flat and run down? Feeling unmotivated? What have you been dealing with on an emotional and mental level over the last 2 years?
Draw up a page with 3 columns for the Event, the Date it occurred, and its Score Event
Date
Score /10
Record any significant changes in the last 2 years Give every event a score from 1-10. 10 9 7-9 6-9 6
Terminal Illness Death of someone close to you Serious illness / hospitalization Experiencing a natural disaster – earthquake, tsunami, flood, tornado or war, etc Moving countries / state
5-8 5-8 5-8 5-7 5-7 5 5 5
Divorce Family / relationship conflict or estrangement Financial / business stress Job loss End of relationship Moderate Illness Conflict with friends Moving house
4-8 4-8 4-6 4-6 4-6 4 4
Sick / infirm dependants (including parents) Sick child A child born Placing parents / dependants into care Chronic health issues / mild depression A new significant relationship A pet dying
2-6 2-3 2
A new job / role Last child to leave home Holiday
1 1 1 1 1 1
First child to leave home A child starting school A new pet A new car / major possession No exercise Bad diet
... / continued on following page
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Note that you need to include … • • •
positive changes, eg. a new job or house changes in the lives of those people close to you, eg. children, parents, etc this list does not cover every situation, so feel free to add to them, and please email me at
[email protected] with your suggestions!
When you have finished add your scores together from your columns. Event
Date
Score /10
What is your score over the last 6 months?
3-5
A score over 3 during this time is considered moderate change and likely to result in moderate stress.
5+
A score of 5 or over during this time is considered significant change and likely to result in high stress.
What is your score over the last 12 months?
5-7
A score over 5 is considered moderate stress
7+
A score over 7 or over is considered high stress
What is your score over the last 18-24 months?
7-10
A score over 7 is considered moderate stress
10+
A score over 10 or over is considered high stress
If you are stressed … • • •
what can you do to de-stress? who you can get support from? how you can increase your emotional inputs – the things that recharge and renew you?
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The Heart Language Tool It always surprises me that almost every client relates to this tool in some way! •
Do you feel stressed and harassed during the day, like you're always doing things to please others rather than yourself?
•
Do you have problems making decisions about insignificant matters?
•
Are you unsure about what it is you really want?
•
Do you find yourself doing things you really don’t want to do and continually acting out of obligation?
Part of being an adult is learning to put the needs of others, such as our children or employer, ahead of ourselves. But we can become so used to doing what we feel we should do, or living by the expectations of others that we lose touch with ourselves. If we stop listening to our hearts voice, eventually we won't recognize it. Then we wonder why our life is so dry and un-spontaneous! We need to re-open the conversation with our heart - to remember how to listen to our heart and not just our head. Here’s how to recognize your hearts voice: When you're feeling stressed or that you feel you have lost your center, ask yourself two questions, 1.
“What am I feeling now?”
2.
“I would like … ?”
Try to listen to the first thought – which will be from your heart –– not your head which comes in with chatter and rationalizing afterwards. If the message from your heart is possible and practical – then do it- take a break, call a friend, pop out for a coffee, jump up from your desk and shout “Yes!”. If this impulse is not realistic- like quitting your job - just note your hearts message until its convenient to follow through, but be careful – this habit is life changing! Why not try following your heart and doing one spontaneous thing every day? And … if you really want to be immature and have fun in a boring, “grown up” situation, ask yourself: “What would I do if I was 5?” Got this from a friend? Click here for more free tools! © Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
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The Five Stages of the Grief Process Grief occurs as the result of the loss of something significant, such as the passing of a loved one, a health crisis and also over something as seemingly insignificant as missing out on a car park. The common factor in all these events is change. Change, even positive change, equates to loss, and any loss requires an adjustment – this adjustment process is felt as grief. An awareness of the stages of grief can help us to deal with the feelings that inevitably accompany loss. If we are aware that what we are feeling is entirely normal and that there “is a rhyme and a reason, a time and a season” we are better placed to be able to accept and allow the process to work through us. It should also be borne in mind that we are all different, so some people experience the stages in varying orders, times or degrees of intensity. The Five Stages are: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Denial Anger Bargaining & Regret Sadness Acceptance
Denial Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process. A part of us cannot accept that the change or loss has actually occurred. We may feel numb or experience shock. This is our emotions way of dealing with an unexpected and significant change. An example would be hearing of the death of someone we loved – say our grandmother. Anger The next stage is us anger. We probably feel that the loss is unjustified, and ask “Why me?” We feel angry that we have lost “our Gran.” Bargaining & Regret In the bargaining stage, we are trying to come to terms with what has happened and may regret what we didn’t or could not do. We may regret that we didn’t spend more time with Gran while she was alive. Common thoughts include "If only … “I wish … "Maybe if …."
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Sadness Feelings of sadness actually signal the end of the grieving process. Sadness is a very positive emotion, it means we are beginning to actually feel the loss and come to terms with it. We start to feel profound sadness that Gran is gone. We may wish to end this stage and to “move on” as quickly as possible, but at such times it is good to recall the medical maxim, “Patients need patience.” Acceptance The final stage in the first cycle of grief is acceptance, and represents that the healing is complete. We are starting to incorporate into our life and our thinking, the knowledge that our Gran is gone and is not coming back. Awareness of the stages of grief can help us to give ourselves permission to grieve and heal. It can also increase our emotional competence because we are better able to identify what we are feeling and why. In addition to the above 5 Cycles of Grief there are also the phenomenon of Transference. Transference If we have not fully felt our loss, or if the loss is especially significant, we will probably experience some degree of transference, where when we grieve over one event, and we are actually feeling the grief over something else. Using the example above, our grandmother may pass and we don’t feel much emotion, but when our beloved cat unexpectedly dies we experience profound loss and feelings out of proportion to the event. This is a clue that what we are really dealing with is not our cats passing, but our unfelt feelings over our grandmother.
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Feel The Feeling Tool This tool helps you get in touch with uncomfortable feelings and make them safe and manageable. Feelings are like clouds. They look solid, but if you flew up to feel one you would find they are just droplets of mist. Also, like clouds, feelings come and go. When you open up to them, they pass over – sometimes after raining, sometimes after thunder and lightning, but they always pass. And even on a dark, cloudy day, the sky beyond is still blue and the sun is always shining, it’s just that sometimes we can’t see it.
•
Sit down somewhere comfortable and quiet. Still yourself by breathing deeply a few times.
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Hold the thought that feelings are like clouds.
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Invite the uncomfortable feeling to come to you.
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Sit with it and continue to breathe slowly and deeply.
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Try entering into a dialogue and talking to your feeling – what is it saying to you? Is this message true? Is it positive? Is it useful? What does feeling safe mean to you?
•
The nature of feelings is that they're dynamic, when you sit with them, they change. If it is too difficult to sit with it, just be with it for as long as you are comfortable and then let it go.
•
Consider the message the feeling was giving you. Surprisingly sometimes negative feelings have a very protective undertone. Conversely, sometimes a feeling will be a reflection of a limiting belief that when subject to conscious reflection and the light of day, is rejected as being groundless.
•
You can repeat this exercise as often as you like or when you have time and space.
•
Over time the feeling and more importantly your fear of the feeling will dissipate.
•
In time you may be able to see how the feeling served you or kept you safe.
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Am I a Failure checklist? This checklist will help you decide if you are a certified failure! It is also an example of the way coaching offers new thoughts and perspectives and is a tool I often use in my coaching as it seems most everyone has a fear of failure! “Success is going from failure to failure without loss in enthusiasm.” Sir Winston Churchill
Exercise:
• •
Do you feel like a failure?
•
Does feeling like a failure mean that you are a failure?
Can you learn without failing?
•
Does failing at something you do, make you a failure as a person?
•
Can you think of anyone who has never failed at anything?
•
Did you try and fail?
•
If you have tried and failed (ie. the outcome was not what you expected) does that mean …
• • • • •
you have tried and failed at something or does that mean you're a failure as a person? Isn't a failure someone who never tries?
Are you a hero rather than a failure?
Do you agree with the statement “A hero is someone who rides out to battle, is defeated and returns home victorious?”
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Infinite solutions tool We often feel stuck between a rock and a real hard place. At these times of stress we can often only see two rather unpleasant options. But we are blessed with a mind that can imagine of infinite and myriad possibilities - and here's a tool to get your creativity flowing and demonstrate that. You can use this tool to expand and stretch your habitual mental pattern of only seeing limited options.
Tool: Scenario: Imagine there is a hungry mosquito in the room whilst you are trying to sleep. o o o
Now imagine at least twenty possible responses - no matter how crazy. Even something like "calling up the pest control at midnight to come and deal with it." When you've finished, scroll to the bottom of the page to read a possibility you may have overlooked!*
Now you've got your creativity flowing, write down your problem then ask … o o o
How else could I think about that? What's another way of looking at this? Who could I ask for a new perspective?
Try and come up with twenty new and different ways of looking at your situation.
*Did you come up with an option of “just let it bite you!”
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Relationship Tools
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My Dream Partner When we are single, we usually have just a vague idea of what our ideal partner might be. But it is very useful to put time into defining this person, because then when you meet them - you will be able to recognize them straight away! This tool helps you imagine the qualities of your dream partner. By asking yourself some questions about your dream partner you can create a clear picture of them in their mind. When you have finished, you will have a list of the qualities you would like in a future partner. Replace "He" and "She" below as appropriate. Part I: Questions To Discover Your Future Partners Qualities What qualities do you want your potential partner to demonstrate? Think about your answers to these questions to get some ideas: "How does he make me feel special?" "What does she do when I'm sick in bed?" "How does he show affection?" "How does he treat me in company when we go out?" "How does he make me laugh?" "Her most important quality is …” "The best thing about him is …” For example: Question: "How does he treat me in company when we go out?" Qualities: He is respectful, attentive and kind. Part II: Identifying Your Partners Qualities In Part I you wrote a list of the qualities of your Future Partner. But when you meet someone, how will you know if they have those qualities? Now, write down examples of how they will express those qualities and what actions and behavior will demonstrate those qualities. For example: Question: "How does he treat me in company when we go out?" Qualities: He is respectful, attentive and kind. Behavior: He is attentive and considerate to me, and kind to the waitress.” Part III: Your Qualities
Love is not what you get, but what you give. Harley M Storey This is often the part people overlook. Now write down the qualities you will bring to the relationship.
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Reflective listening “Your communication is only as good as your understanding of the person you're communicating with.” Dr Tony Alessandra Verbal communication is inherently inaccurate means for the transfer of information and is a skill we have to learn and develop. This tool is designed to enhance and facilitate communication between couples. Excellent communication is a very important life skill because by hearing the other person’s point of view and in turn feeling heard yourself, means that half of the problem is resolved, because both sides feel heard and validated. If you see a guy and a girl together, chances are the girl will be talking and the guy will be listening as on average women speak thousands more words a day than men! However, neither gender is particularly good at communicating – often men just don’t speak, and woman speak many words but don’t always communicate what they really feel.
Exercise:
•
Create some quiet space together with your partner
•
listen to them without interruption or judgment
•
when they have finished, reflect back to them what you heard them say
•
ask them if you heard them correctly
•
repeat the process with them listening and reflecting what you say
If you are interested in exploring this tool further, Dr. Harville Hendricks has written a great book on this subject called Getting the Love You Want.
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Relationship Cycles The exercise is used to identify patterns in relationships and to help determine if any current relationship issues have their origins in earlier relationships. This tool can also be used to see how, when and where relationships ended or broke down and to help identify any patterns. Draw up a blank piece of paper with 4 columns: Name
Relationship
Significant Features
Clues / Patterns
If you wish to examine potential patterns in Male Relationships, start with your most significant early male relationship – usually your Father, or Father figure - and proceed from there. If dealing with Female Relationships start with your most significant early female relationship – usually your Mother and proceed from there – to Grandmothers, Aunts, etc. Under the Name column write their name. If a parent or relative use their name and under relationship denote their relationship to you. eg. Patricia – Mother. List them in chronological order, from the earliest relationship to the latest – from your partner to your child for example. Under Relationships column write their relationship to you. Under Significant Features write your associations about the relationship. Go on feel here and try and work from the heart not the head. o o o
Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the relationships – similarities or opposites? Does anything stand out? Are there any significant associations between relationships and people?
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Name
Relationship
Significant Features
Patricia
Mother
Honest Emotionally Unavailable Distant Very Quiet Generous Big Spender
Jenny
Partner
Cathryn
Daughter
Clues / Patterns
xx
Emotionally Unavailable Carefree Untidy Loyal Very Loud
both Mom & Jenny are emotionally unavailable
Free Spender Chatty Considerate
Cathryn is a spender like
xx Jenny if the opposite of Mum here
Mum, maybe this is why I get so annoyed with her?
This Example suggests that this person •
has chosen a partner that is emotionally unavailable like his Mother
•
has chosen a partner that is the opposite of his Mothers very quiet nature, and
•
that he may be reacting to his daughters free-spending ways as a result of his mothers similar behavior.
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Score Your Dream Partner! The exercise is used to help gain clarity and insight into previous relationships and also to help determine if any of the qualities you seek in a partner are similar, or opposite to, the qualities of your early parental figures. It is also great for determining if a potential partner is worth pursuing! Draw up a blank piece of paper with 8 columns: Qualities
Dad/Mum
st
1 Significant Partner
2nd
3rd
4th
New Partner ?
Clues / Patterns
Leave the Qualities column for now, and start with the Dad/Mum column. If you wish to examine the qualities in a Male Partner, label the Dad/Mum column Dad, and/or name an early male Father figure. If you wish to examine the qualities in a Female Partner, label the Dad/Mum column Mum, and/or name an early male Mother figure st
Under the 1 Significant Partner column write the name of your first significant partner. Complete the columns from left to right, from the 1st Significant Partner to the last. You don’t want any more than 7 or 8, but you can repeat the exercise later with as many as you wish. Lastly, add in your Potential New Partner if you are thinking of one. After you have written the names of your Partners, under the Qualities column write down: a) the qualities you would like in a partner b) character traits that appeal to you c) the things you liked about previous partners the sum of these qualities represents your ultimate Dream Partner. d) finally, add in the significant personality traits of your Father, if you wish to examine Male Partners, or your Mother if you are looking at Female Relationships.
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Now mark your partners off and see how they score. How does your Potential New Partner stack up? Qualities Quiet Kind Polite Funny Handsome Wealthy
Dad
Jerry
Mike
Peter x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x ½
x
x
x
Dads qualities … Angry
x
Felt Safe
x
Points
5
Comments
Bob
x
x
opposite
Tim (New Guy) x x
x
Clues?
kindness is important to me not so important
x x x
soh is good
½
do I like angry men? like Dad?
looks not vital $ is nice!
x 3
5
Bob a lot like Dad
3½
2
Peter Lowest
5½
Tim Highest Score!
. Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the partners? Any positive or negative qualities which surprised you? Look for similarities or opposites as a response to your Parental figure. For example, if your Father was angry, you may be attracted to angry men or seek the opposite – very patient and easy-going partners. This Example suggests that this person • • •
has previously chosen a partner (Bob) that was very like her Father that her last relationship (Peter) was perhaps a poor choice that the potential new guy (Tim) looks like a pretty good candidate at this stage!
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Relationship circle This tool helps clarify your relationships with the people in their life. It can be as simple as just writing the names of those you have a significant relationship with and drawing a line representing the depth of the relationship, or you can continue with the exercise until it is as detailed as the example below. • • •
Draw a large circle Write your name in the middle Around the circle write the names of people you have a significant relationship with, or anyone who comes to mind. Include Partner, Ex’s, Children, Mother, Father, Siblings, Grandparents, Significant Relatives, Close Friends, In-laws!, Work Colleagues, etc. present or passed.
After you have finished … • • • • • • • • •
Draw a line from you to the person’s name. The longer the line the closer the relationship. Go around and write one word you associate with each person as things are now Write next to their name and your word association a colour that comes to mind. How about adding yourself? Look at the order you wrote the names in. Anything interesting about who you wrote first or last? Is there anyone significant you have inadvertently missed? In-laws, family, ex’s? Add a for those people who contribute positively to your life or a for those who are currently take more than they give (this may be for valid reasons, eg. illness, divorce) When you have finished pick the top two people you would like to move issues ahead with Ask yourself what action you can take, eg. A phone call, a letter, a visit, etc.
•
Revisit the exercise whenever you feel the need to!
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How well do you know your partner Quiz? A tool to get you and your partner talking, smiling and laughing. • • • •
Get together with your partner. Print two copies of this questionnaire. Take one copy each and separately write down the answers you think your partner would give to the following questions. When you have finished, swap your lists, score each other and laugh!
What do you think their … o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
o
favorite movie is favorite band or singer, or type of music favorite actor, actress favorite season favorite TV show favorite day of the week their hero favorite time of day favorite activity the quality they admire most in others favorite activity (when clothed!) best memory together who they are closest to in their family their best friend the personal quality they most appreciate in a partner favorite color their worst habit their best habit kindest thing you have done for them your most difficult habit for them to deal with the hardest issue for them to deal with the one word that best describes them if they were a car what car would they be? • what color? what condition? where would you buy it? what they feel are your three best qualities the thing they would most like you to do, what they most want from you the way they would like you to communicate love what is their loving style – do they usually demonstrate their love by: • kind words, • loving actions, • touch, • acts of kindness, • thoughtfulness when apart, • giving gifts, • quality time . why you think they love you
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When you … I feel … This communication tool helps you learn how to communicate your needs positively and constructively without accusing the other person. •
The Formula is to use these four words in this order … “When you _______________, I feel __________________.”
•
Example of what to say: “When you don’t show me appreciation … I feel hurt.” You are reclaiming your power and taking responsibility for your feelings by saying “I feel” rather than “You make me feel…” You are also talking about the behavior – the not showing appreciation - rather than condemning the person.
•
Example of what not to say: “You are a boof head and … you make me angry!”
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A quick lesson in speaking Martian! A fun tool to help women speak to the men in their lives. With acknowledgment to the great author and all round funny guy, Dr. John Gray who coined the phrase “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.” I designed this tool to help a lovely client communicate with her husband. It is amazing when you are coaching to hear clients reply “No,” to the question, “Have you told your partner what you're telling me now?” “Ladies, would you like to get your needs met?” (A chorus of shouts and approval ensues!)
Tool: The first step is knowing what they are, so ask yourself: 1. 2.
What do I need … ? I would like …
Now that you have identified your needs, your natural inclination will be to speak Venutian and communicate this in phrases like: I wish … We never … (anymore!) I wouldn't mind … sometime …. Why can’t we … (& the clincher) … pleeease??? However, your Martian man can’t hear any of this – it's all too vague to him. His communication needs are very clear and easy to understand – if he wants something he asks for it - without feeling guilty. Here’s how to translate all of the above into Martian … are you ready? Just fill in the blanks and don’t be afraid to stand in your own space girl! Here goes …
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Hope you've enjoyed these Life Coach Tools. They are from 101 Tools Life Coaches Use® available at www.life-coach-tools.com
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